<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>How to Woo Dad in Seven Easy Steps (Success Rates Vary) by maxthetransguy</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23512075">How to Woo Dad in Seven Easy Steps (Success Rates Vary)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxthetransguy/pseuds/maxthetransguy'>maxthetransguy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Baby Girl Remix, Bad Flirting, Blood, Bloody Flowers, Disney, Fluff, Heart, I love her, M/M, Misunderstandings, Monster - Freeform, Patton doesn't realize it's flirting, Pining, Remix is my child, Remus tries to "woo" Patton, Remus tries to flirt, Remus typical violence, Spiders, Stitches, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Twisted reference, What am I doing, but he's gross, innuendos, it's Remus guys, puns, vampire bats</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:01:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,582</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23512075</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxthetransguy/pseuds/maxthetransguy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is in love with everyone's favorite Dad, so tries to woo him in his own... interesting way.</p>
<p>The Archive Warning is just to be safe, but the violence and blood are not really graphic. basically mentioned but not graphic.<br/>the format is LOOSELY based off the scientific method which doesn't make sense cuz Logan is a minor character in this but we're just gonna go with it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to Woo Dad in Seven Easy Steps (Success Rates Vary)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It was supposed to be just Remus trying to woo Patton but since his ideas are gross it doesn't work that well. It was SUPPOSED to be just fluff and grossness, but my brain is like, hmmm needs more ANGST. so it became pretty angsty. There is also a Twisted reference for all my Starkid fans out there.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Identifying the Problem.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I like sex. No one can deny that. I practically live for a good fuck. Half my time in the Imagination is spent creating people or strange monsters (or a hybrid of both) to fulfill my sexual desires. Love has nothing to do with it. In fact, I hate love. Those gushy, romantic warm feelings could stay with my vanilla twin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Patton… God I am going insane. Well more insane than usual. I love Patton. But I hate love. How the fuck did that work?!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>How in the name of Bruce Banner’s Big Balls can someone who hates love, fall in love?!</span>
  </em>
  <span> I think to myself as I hack away at a now unrecognizable lump of meat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus. You’re doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>so well</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I see,” Deceit sneers, but there is concern in his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanna fuck?” I ask, getting a sudden, desperate idea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I haven’t had a good fucking in a while! That’s probably why I am feeling all this gross sentimental crap. I just need to get laid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It isn’t like I am dating your brother,” Deceit said. “I so </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t want</span>
  </em>
  <span> you to talk to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t be in love! Love is gross. I hate it! It has to be the lack of sex, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit sighed. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them once more, the human one shone, indicating he was telling the truth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, your so-called loathing of love is not the emotion itself, however, I believe it is caused by the fact that you feel as you yourself are unlovable,” Deceit says gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I deflate. “I am unlovable. I’m broken, Dee-Dee. No one wants someone like me.”</span>
</p>
<p><span>“I </span><em><span>definitely agree.</span></em> <em><span>Definitely do not</span></em><span> try talking to Patton. I am </span><em><span>sure he won’t </span></em><span>care,” Deceit says.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>I sigh. “Okay. I’ll try.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution One: Vampire Bats.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I drag the coffin into the living room, glad to see that Patton is there, as is Logan and Deceit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hiya!” I greet excitedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Salutations,” Logan replies, not looking up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Remus! What are you doing with that?” Patton asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus this </span>
  <em>
    <span>is likely not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a bad idea,” Deceit warns.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I don’t listen to him, instead opening the coffin. A swarm of Vampire Bats fly out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit lets out a yelp as he and Logan duck down. Patton screeches.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Pat! I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>batty</span>
  </em>
  <span> for you!” I say happily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, get rid of the Desmodontinae immediately please,” Logan snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re not whatever you just said. They’re Vampire Bats!” I reply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Desmodontinae. Regardless, get rid of them!” Logan snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I look over to Patton. He looks scared of the bats. Oh. I frown and snap my fingers, causing the bats and coffin to disappear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” I mutter before sinking back to my room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So puns didn’t work. That sucks (heheh.) I thought Patton would like that. Puns and cute little fuzzy monsters. Back to the drawing board.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution two: Pat’s Pet.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I spend all day working on my next idea. Patton likes cats, but he’s allergic, so I have to stick with dogs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The dog I create is similar to a golden retriever, but fangier. And spikier. And has red eyes. And four furry tentacles. And pretty big for a dog, but not too big.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s very sweet and listens to whatever I ask her to do. It took a while to make a trained, obedient dog because most of my creations are as chaotic as me, but I think I perfected it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I write out a note for her to take and give to Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hiya Patton! This little beastie is for you! She is very playful and loves attention! She’ll listen to whatever you say. Feel free to name her!!! -The Intrusive THOT.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I bring my little monster downstairs and spy Patton and Roman in the kitchen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I give her the letter. “Give this to Patton, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wags her tail and trots into the room, heading for Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Patton! Watch out!” Roman shrieks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton turns and sees the dog, screaming. He jumps back, but she continues to follow him, trying to obey my command.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman summons his katana. “I’ll save you from the monster, my dearest Padre!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“NO!” I shout.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I charge forward as he swings. His katana hits my shoulder instead of my monster, and I wince.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?!” Roman yelps, removing his sword from my arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My monster whimpers and nuzzles my shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m okay, pretty girl,” I coo.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman steps forward and she glares at him with a wicked snarl.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t hurt her. She only looks scary!” I snap. Then I turn back to her. “Don’t bite Roman, okay? He didn’t mean it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She lets out a huff but sits down, much calmer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, Remus, What is that, and why did it go after Patton?” Roman demands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I look at Patton with a smile. “I made you a pet! She was trying to give you my letter! Oh, where did the letter go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The monster picks it up and pushes it towards me. I grab it and hand it to Patton who reads it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! I’m sorry! I had no idea. Hey, sweetie,” Patton coos at the monster.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sniffs at him and then licks his face. Patton squeaks in surprise. He laughs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What ya gonna name her?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm… how about Remix! Cuz she’s a weird monster-y version of a dog, and you gave her to me!” Patton says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I beam. “Sounds great! So, she doesn’t really need food, but it won’t hurt her and she enjoys eating. And she loves attention! If you have questions, let me know!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sink out. That was a much more successful attempt. Now to bandage up my arm and think of something else for him!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution three: Creepy Crawly Death Dealers Dealt Death!</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I already have a pile starting to grow on the kitchen counter. Every time I see a spider, I kill it and put its corpse on the pile with its brethren. I know Patton will be thrilled! I’m killing all the spiders he's so scared of!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, Remus? What are you doing on top of the fridge?” Patton’s voice asks from behind me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m trying to catch and kill this evasive little bitch!” I growl, slapping at the spider.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It skitters away, dodging my hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Language! And… kill? Killing isn’t good, Remus,” Patton says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! But I’m not killing people! I’m killing spiders!” I say excitedly. I point down to the corpse pile. “See! Those are the ones I got so far!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton sees them and screams. “WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE THEM THERE?! THROW THEM AWAY!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown, getting off the fridge. I sweep the corpses into my hand and throw them into the trash. I look back at Patton. He looks like he’s about to be sick.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry. Just wanted to get rid of them for you,” I mumble before sinking out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Guess I need to find a new idea.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution four: Disney with a Twist</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ohhhhh Daddy!” I call bursting into his room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks up with a blush. “Please don’t call me Daddy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I falter. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay. What’s up, kiddo?” Patton asks with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I recreated the magic carpet from Aladdin! You wanna try it out with me?” I ask, bouncing up and down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure!” Patton replies smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I cackle and grab his hand, pulling him to the Imagination. We appear on a balcony with the carpet ready for us.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on! Hop on!” I say excitedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it safe?” Patton asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stop and look at Patton. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Dadd...io.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiles. “Thanks, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hum for a second, thoughtful. “Oh! How about I can sit behind you and my arms can be a seatbelt for you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That works,” Patton agrees.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that said, I turn my arms into a flesh colored seatbelt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay! Let’s go!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, um. Please change your arms back to normal. You can still hold me with normal arms,” Patton says, paling slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. Right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I return my arms to normal and get on the carpet. Patton carefully sits in front of me, and I wrap my arms around his waist, inwardly screaming. Well… inwardly screaming more than usual. And the good kind of scream this time!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Since I’m the seatbelt, you have to pilot it. Is that okay?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton giggles. “Sure!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We take off and start flying around my side of the Imagination which I set up specifically for this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Song time!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>See that palace of gooold? Shining, sparkling metallic. And a little bit phallic,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I sing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Take a look and you’ll agree. See those leaves on the ground? Spelling something explicit. Don’t ya blink or you’ll miss it. Gently asking you and me. Take off your cloooooooothes! So many hidden messages-</span>
  </em>
  <span>“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My singing is interrupted by Patton screeching us to a halt, back onto the balcony. He gets up and walks away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not appropriate, Remus,” he says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… I… it needed a song, ya know! Like a Whole New World but that song is so boring so I did the Twisted version!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton sighs. “Thanks for showing me your magic carpet, kiddo. I’m gonna go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown as I watch him leave.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution five: Stitches</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I have no new ideas to woo Patton with, so I head down to the living room to take a breather from my brain storm. (I think I washed off all the blood, but I can still smell it slightly so who knows!)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone is already downstairs. Roman and Deceit are making out while the other three are discussing something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You two gonna bone on the couch?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus!” Patton admonishes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman and Deceit jerk apart, both glaring at me and blushing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Just saying. I’ve boned on the couch,” I lie teasingly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cue everyone except Deceit jumping off the couch in disgust. I cackle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” Virgil shrieks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just joking. I haven’t actually boned on the couch. Though it is on my bucket list!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, we would all prefer if you kept your sexual activities in the privacy of your own bedroom,” Logan says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s the fun in that?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Great Odin’s Eyepatch! I wish you would just stop talking!” Roman yells, covering his red face with a pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I glance at Patton. He’s looking away, clearly uncomfortable. Oh. He must agree with Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be off then! Have fun fucking!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then I sink to my room, ignoring the groans of annoyance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I can’t really control what comes out of my mouth. It just happens. Intrusive thoughts are pretty intrusive and all that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I grab my sewing kit (it has come in handy for many of my Frankenstein experiments), then get to work on sewing my mouth shut. I hope this makes Patton feel better!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It hurts, but it’s worth it for Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After an hour, I finally finish and clean up my mouth before sitting at my desk and trying to craft a drawing for Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A knock sounds on my door before it opens. I don’t turn around, just throw a little wave over my shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>so not</span>
  </em>
  <span> concerned about you. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely didn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> seem upset when you left,” Deceit says. “Is everything alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nod, still not turning around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> this quiet. What’s going on, Remus?” Deceit asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shrug. Suddenly my chair spins as Deceit forces me to face him. He stares in horror.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh God. Remus… why would you?” Deceit cuts himself off, starting to cry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grabs me by the arm and pulls me down the hallway, screaming for Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s wrong, my love?” Roman asks, running towards us with his Katana out. “Are you hurt?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit launches himself at Roman, banging on his chest with his fists.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You insufferable! Self-centered! Asshole!” Deceit screams. “This is your fault!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wraps his arms around Deceit who slumps into his embrace.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t understand what I did, darling. Tell me what happened and I’ll fix it,” Roman whispers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit gestures at me, and Roman looks at me, face twisting in a horrified expression.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get Logan. I’ll bring Remus into the kitchen. Meet us there,” Roman says quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then Roman is dragging me into the kitchen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I’m so sorry my words caused you to do this,” Roman murmurs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I summon a white board and quickly scrawl, ‘no worries! It’s better this way.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No it is not! You’re in pain, Remus! This isn’t better!” Roman yelps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit comes into the kitchen with blushing Logan and Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So why did you have to interrupt us?” Virgil grumbles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a hickey on his neck. I raise my eyebrow. Him and the nerd? Nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit moves over to me. “We </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>fix this, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I erase the white board and write ‘No need! I’m fine like this! Don’t be sad.’ I show Deceit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hear Logan gasp and Virgil shriek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan, can you remove them?” Roman asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I- y-yes. Of course,” Logan stammers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I jerk away, shaking my head frantically.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, please let us help you,” Virgil says quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stomp my foot and shake my head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I heard screaming, what’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman reaches for me, but I yank away, turning to leave the kitchen. Instead I run right into Patton. I smile as best I can with the stitches and wave happily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton pales considerably. He looks… he looks scared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My face falls. Not literally of course. Oh! That would be cool! Having my face fall off and just hit the floor. Or maybe burn off like in Indiana Jones! Wait. Patton. Right. Focus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s crying. I touch his cheek and tilt my head in confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I turn to grab my white board. ‘Why are you scared? why are you crying?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wipe his tears away gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, you need to let Logan remove the stitches,” Roman says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shake my head again, eyes not leaving Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please let Logan help you. I don’t like seeing you like this,” Patton whispers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I don’t understand. They wanted me to stop talking. They were uncomfortable with things I said. Why do they want to undo this?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hesitate, but nod in resignation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton smiles sadly. My hand is still on his face. I go to remove it, but Patton grabs it and holds it in his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sit him on the couch. It would be best if he is comfortable,” Logan instructs. “Virgil, I would appreciate it if you acquired some paper towels or something of the sort to prevent blood from staining the couch or carpet. I will grab my medical kit and return shortly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton leads me to the couch and sits down next to me. His body is pressed next to mine and I bask in his warmth. I know, however, as soon as the stitches are gone, he’ll leave too. This is only a pity-slash-guilt thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman and Deceit sit on the floor facing me. They look concerned. The air is too heavy. I kick Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ack! What was that for?” Roman yelps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>deserve it after what you said,” Deceit mocks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shake my head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If it wasn’t payback for that, then why?” Roman asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shrug writing, ‘Felt like it.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman sighs, but he’s smiling slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Somethings will never change, I suppose,” Roman mentions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then I have a thought, and write on the white board again. I kick Deceit too, and show him. ‘Also, stop blaming Roman! Only I can be mean to him!’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan and Virgil return and start setting up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I imagine you were in a lot of pain while doing this to yourself, Remus. It would be a terrible idea to subject you to more pain, so I am going to use an anesthetic to keep you unconscious. Alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nod, tensing. Patton squeezes my hand, and I relax. Logan injects me with the anesthetic, and I wonder (not for the first time) what heroin feels like.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Drift…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Away….</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When I wake up, my mouth is sore, but the stitches are gone. The living room is quiet. Patton who I’m cuddled up against, is snoring softly. I watch him for a moment. He’s adorable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I take off his glasses and place them on the table, then I brush his hair away from his eyes with a soft smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a whine on my other side. I look over to see Remix. She places her head on my thigh and I scratch behind her ears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For once, I feel like I am almost normal. I wish it could always be like this. Me, Patton, and a pet. It would be amazing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I curl closer to him and fall asleep again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wake up, in my bed, alone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution six: My Heart</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Logan, you’re the closest thing we have to a doctor, right?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“On the contrary. Emile has a PhD,” Logan replies, not looking up from his laptop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you know the medical stuff more! Like bones and guts and organs!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose you would be correct in that aspect,” Logan mutters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you help me carve out my heart?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan looks up. “What? Why”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, ya know if you love someone, you say your heart is theirs?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. That is frankly, a horrible idea. As far as we are aware, Sides cannot die, but removing your heart could cause irreparable damage. I will not risk your safety for you to attempt to woo Patton. It will not go well,” Logan snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah, Patton might be upset if I got hurt. He did last time. Oh!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay! Bye!” I say, sinking out to my room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Logan won’t help me cuz it could hurt me, why don’t I just not get hurt?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I spend a week, locked in my room, trying to perfect the method of cloning myself. Different Sides come and go, worried about me. Patton never does. In fact… he hasn’t spoken to me since the stitches incident. Is he mad at me?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I tense, but shake my head and ignore that thought. I’m sure he’s fine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The clone is finally finished. He opens his eyes and grins.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Me!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Other Me!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you need me for my heart, but can we cause some mischief first? Roman’ll have two demon brothers to deal with it would be great!” The clone says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“While that idea is more tempting than eating out a donkey’s ass, I need to do this quick. I don’t know how long this’ll last before the cloning fails and you disintegrate. But maybe another time!” I reply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods. “Okay. Slice me up, Doc! I’m ready for my surgery!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nod and use my mace to knock him out. Then I grab a large knife and dig out his heart. Once I have his heart, there is a knock on my door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ooo! Perfect! My hands are full, can you open the door?” I ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil opens the door nervously and I bounce out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve been worried- Wait what the hell is that?!” Virgil shrieks when he sees the heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about the body in my room, I’ll be back in a bit to clean him up!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“BODY?!?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I run to Patton’s room and use my head to knock on the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton opens it. He looks terrible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got you a gift, Patticakes!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton looks at the heart. And promptly faints.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit!” I drop the heart and catch him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a sigh, I lay him on the ground. So this didn’t work. Remix trots over and sniffs the heart, then Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I vanish the heart to my room and quickly clean off the blood on my hands, on the carpet, and on Patton’s clothes before picking up Pat and putting him in bed. I tuck him in and summon some water for him when he wakes up. I taste it to make sure I didn’t accidentally summon poison or even vinegar (it’s happened before), then I place it on the bedside table with a note that says “hope you feel better soon!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I return to my room. I’m barely there for five minutes when Logan and Roman knock on the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I open it. “Yessss?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil is freaking out over the dead body in your room. Who did you pretend to kill this time?” Roman asks with a sigh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, Remus has done this before?” Logan says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep! And didn’t Virgil see the body?” I answer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No he panicked and ran to find us,” Roman replies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah. And I didn’t pretend to kill. I did!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now Roman looks alarmed. “What? Who did you kill? Jesus Christ, Remus!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Myself!” I cheer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is hardly the time for humor,” Logan snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I roll my eyes. “Not joking, Lo-GAY.” I gesture them in and point at my clone’s corpse. “When I pretend to kill, I use mannequins of a sort. Realistic ones. With blood and everything! But I cloned myself! And we had a little conversation about whether or not we should use two of us to make RoRo’s life hell, but then I just killed him!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman groans and Logan blinks slowly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You… you gave the heart to Patton, didn’t you?” Logan asks with a sigh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?!” Roman yelps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep,” I reply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am assuming he didn’t take it well?” Logan mutters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Seeing as the heart is on my bed, that’d be safe. He passed out. So I took him to bed,” I say. I pause. “Not like fucking though. As much as I’d love to fuck him, I wouldn’t do it while he’s sleeping. Unless he consented beforehand. I put him in his bed and tucked him in. Put some water on his bedside table. Now I need to clean up a corpse and find a place for the heart, so y’all should go!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What.” Roman sounds tired.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! I wanted to give Patty my heart so he knows he owns it kinda thing, lame I know, but Logan said I’m not allowed to carve out my own heart cuz it might hurt me so I made a clone and carved out his so it’s my heart technically but I didn’t get hurt!” I explain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, when I told you it would not go well, I meant that apart from hurting yourself, Patton would not take it well. Patton is not fond of the more grotesque scenarios or symbols that you are fond of,” Logan mutters. “I need coffee. If you will excuse me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan leaves, and Roman gives me a look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, you and Patton are very different people. Despite being part of the same person. I am not saying you should stop pursuing him. I think you would be cute together. Opposites attract and whatnot. What I am saying, is that Patton might not understand how you attempt to convey your feelings. I would try doing something that you know he would like. Something more basic. More ‘vanilla’ as you would call it,” Roman says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I roll my eyes, but Roman has a point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. Now get out before I rip off your nose and shove it up your butt to make you smell your own farts,” I snap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grimaces and leaves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I turn to the body and to my heart. The body, I’ll burn. Whatever. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of the heart…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Solution seven: Flowers. Those are safe, right?</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Here’s the problem with getting Patton flowers. I need to get them from Roman’s part of the Imagination. Being Intrusive Thoughts and all, I don’t have control over the Imagination like Roman does. Whatever I think kinda just happens. And a few years back, I thought “if plants are living organisms, then why don’t they bleed?” Now if you pick a flower or cut down a tree, it bleeds. And it doesn’t stop bleeding either. I’ve tried out different ways to stanch the blood flow. Haven’t figured it out yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But I digress.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I’ve decided this is my last attempt to win Patton over. If this goes wrong, well, love is overrated anyway. But with the last pinch of hope I have, I try going to Roman to ask for access to his part of the Imagination so I can get some not-bleeding flowers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, best brother in the whole wide mindscape!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman glares at me. “Oh no. You only say shit like that when you’re plotting. You either are gonna prank me or ask me for a favor.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I might need a little something from you,” I admit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He groans. “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Access to your part of the Imagination?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhh.. for stuff?” I shrug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I don’t want to admit that I’m trying to get flowers. That would be a new low for me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope. Not happening,” Roman snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? But I really need to-“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No! You always try to mess with things on my side. Last time you went in, I was trying to get rid of the glittery body bomb remains for WEEKS. I still find bits of bones and blood from time to time!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown. “Well, yeah, but-“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope. No way. Not happening. Bye.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown and trudge back to my room. Guess bloody flowers will have to work.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I go to my realm and find a cluster of flowers and start on my bouquet. One of the biggest secrets I’ll ever have is that I really love the language of flowers. Every flower has a meaning. It’s useful now, but I know Roman and Deceit would make fun of me for it. Virgil too. Maybe Logan, but not as much. I doubt Patton would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I grab multiple flowers, double checking their meanings online. Once I’m happy with my flowers, I leave the Imagination with my bloody bouquet and find Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s in the kitchen, putting dinner in the oven.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Pat!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tenses slightly. I hope it was just cuz I startled him, but I’m pretty sure it’s just cuz he doesn’t like me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Remus. Can I get anything for you?” Patton asks. He doesn’t turn around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have something for you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks over and pales at the sight of the bloody bouquet. He frowns.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This isn’t funny, Remus,” Patton snaps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“These… disgusting things you’re doing! Stop! And I’m sorry for being so rude but I’m tired of it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tired of me, is what he doesn’t say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frown. “I just wanted to get you a gift.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want them. Seriously? Who looks at flowers and decides they need more blood?” He turns away from me. “I am sorry for yelling. And I really do care about you. But this isn’t okay. You should go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears well up in my eyes and at that moment I hate everything. I hate flowers. I hate the Imagination. I hate Roman for not letting me use his side. I hate Deceit for telling me Patton would care. I hate my fucking brain for thinking that he could ever love me. I hate myself for being so disgusting all the time. I hate Patton for making me fall in love with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I storm at and head to my room, slamming the door behind me. I toss the flowers into the trash and head to my bathroom, furiously scrubbing the blood off my hands. I punch the mirror in anger, shattering it, causing my knuckles to bleed and making me scrub my hands again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“FUCK!” I scream.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stalk to my desk and plop down in the chair. I start to draw, hoping to calm myself down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My anger and pain feeds into my art. It’s already a gruesome drawing and it’s not even close to done.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Conclusion</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door opens behind me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go. Away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, we need to talk.” It’s Patton. Of fucking course it’s him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” I mutter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t know. I didn’t know about the flowers in your side. I… Roman explained. He also feels bad he said no earlier. He didn’t know you just wanted flowers,” Patton says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yea, well it doesn’t matter,” I huff.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Once you get past the blood, they’re really pretty,” Patton mentions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I turn around in surprise. He’s holding the bouquet and inspecting it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… you like it?” I ask, hope leaking into my voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do. I’m sorry for getting upset earlier. I thought it was another prank. You’ve been doing those a lot,” Patton says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What pranks?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, the bats, the spider thing, the heart. Ya know…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blink in confusion. “Those weren’t pranks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton looks up at me in surprise. “They weren’t?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sigh and look down at my hands. “I… I’m in love with you. And I thought… maybe I could show you. I know you liked puns and furry creatures, so I got the bats and said ‘I’m batty for you’ but you were so scared that you didn’t hear. Then the next thing I did was create Remix. I’m glad you like her, though I wish she didn’t scare you at first. Then I wanted to make you feel safer so I tried to kill your enemies and keep the corpses to show you as proof. But that scared you too. Then I tried to do a Disney thing cuz you like Disney and like I said when you got upset, A Whole New World is ick. But that made you uncomfortable. Then I realized that you didn’t like when I said stuff and I can’t really control what I say a lot cuz ya know my job is to be intrusive, so I stitched up my mouth so you would feel better but everyone freaked out and you were upset so that failed too. After that I decided I would give you my heart cuz you own it anyway, but Logan said I wasn’t allowed to use my own cuz it could hurt me, so I made a perfect clone of me and took out his heart, but when I tried to give it to you, you fainted so I tried to take care of you but I felt bad. This was my last attempt. But… well. I don’t know. I just suck at love, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. I… I had no idea, Remus,” Patton murmurs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I fidget. “Yeah, well. We’re too different, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, you… you know I’m crazy for you, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I jerk up to look at him from where he’s seated on my bed. His eyes are teary and his cheeks are flushed, but he’s smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You… You are?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He giggles. “I have been in love with you for months! I just… I thought you knew and were upset about it. I thought you were pranking me to get me to stop. I guess we need to communicate better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nod dumbly. I don’t know what to say. “Did you know the flowers have meanings?” I blurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks pleasantly surprised. “No. What do they mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I move to my bed and sit next to him. I point out each flower as I explain the meeting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, the first few I picked were ones that describe you. That’s Amaryllis. It means splendid beauty. Then there’s Bird of Paradise, which means joyfulness. Then, Calla Lily, that stands for magnificence and beauty or purity and innocence. Um, Delphinium means enjoying life. Then the next few were how I felt. Red Chrysanthemums stand for love while White Chrysanthemums mean truth and loyal love. I used both. And then… Anemone. It means fading hope.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Remus. I’m sorry,” Patton says softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No it’s okay! Cuz now I can add White Heather! That means wishes will come true!” I say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiles. “That’s amazing, Ree.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The way he’s looking at me… My heart is leaping.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” I whisper.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes widen. He places the flowers down and nods.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I kiss him, and it’s better than all my fantasies combined. His hands are on my face and in my hair and his lips are so soft and perfect and I’m losing myself in his touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulls away then gasps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! Sorry! I got blood all over your face!” Patton apologizes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know that I really don’t care,” I reply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He giggles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are we… together now?” Patton asks quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… want to. If you’re okay with that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods and smiles. “Do you still have your clone’s heart? Cuz if you don’t need it, I’d be happy to have it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I grin. “Yep! Don’t faint this time!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I run to my desk, open the drawer, and pull out the jar with my heart. I hand it to him. He looks a little queasy, but takes it with a warm smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Pat, you don’t have to take it just cuz you don’t want to upset me,” I say softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know! I want it!” He kisses my cheek. “I’m gonna grab a vase for the flowers, put these both in my room, and wash my hands.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I can’t help but beam. He smiles too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be back in a bit,” Patton says. “I love you, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too, PatPat!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After he leaves, I wipe the blood off my face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door opens, and Deceit peers through with a smirk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely didn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell you so,” Deceit says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, get fucked.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this is a thing. a thing that i wrote. i've been pretty productive. this is the third fic i've posted since quarantine started so.<br/>Anyway, Kudos are great, but comments make me feel like I'm connecting with humans while i stuck in isolation.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>